


The Fan

by USAFChief (lanalucy)



Category: NCIS
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-04-09 10:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4345040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanalucy/pseuds/USAFChief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!fic based on another crack!fic entitled <i>Fear the Fan</i> by ME Wofford, and is dedicated to her with a great deal of respect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fan Returns

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fear the Fan](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/131762) by ME Wofford. 



> My thanks to elflordsmistress for the beta work she did. Each recommendation was an improvement. Spoilers for Season Seven.

CRAAACK!

"Hey, DiNozzo! Wake up! I've got something to say to you!"

Tony's eyes tried to open. He was lying on his bed in a very awkward position, flat on his back with his arms stretched above his head to the point his shoulders were hurting. He tried to move his arms but couldn't. That got his attention just a little bit but he was still groggy. Suddenly he felt a stinging sensation across his thighs.

"That was just for good measure, DiNozzo, a little wake up call. Now look at me!"

He looked over toward the door where the female voice was coming from. His mind had a hard time understanding what his eyes were seeing. A tall, statuesque woman wearing a scarlet corset fitted tightly to her body, breasts pushed up to the point that they were spilling out over the silk cups. She was wearing black stockings connected to the corset by the garter straps, with high heeled cowboy boots of the same color as the corset. Her mouth was a slash of the same scarlet as her outfit. But her hair was a short-cut cap of white. It was her eyes that held his attention – not the color, but the lightning bolts of anger that were shooting at him. Plus she held a scarlet leather bull whip in her right hand. He guessed that was what caused the stinging of his thighs and the cracking sound that awoke him.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" A slight pause and then he said, "I remember you. You're that crazy woman who slapped Gibbs silly and called me pathetic."

She grinned and said, "Right the first time, DiNozzo. Good memory. Too bad you didn't take my full meaning to heart."

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Well it's true you saved Ziva even if you didn't mean to, but you've been treating her like crap ever since she got back. It's enough to drive any TIVA fan nuts and I'm here to lay down the law!"

"I've only been treating her like a probie," DiNozzo whined. "It's not like it was, we're not close any more."

"You had the chance last week to kiss her awake, and what did you do? You were going to draw a mustache on that pretty little face. Shame on you! And then you started talking about Rush Limbaugh and acting like a damned xenophobe, you idiot!"

The woman stalked toward the bed. DiNozzo turned his head away, not wanting to look into those piercing eyes. She stopped close beside his bed. He looked back at her just as she squatted to look at him at eye level.

"Ouch!" She jumped back to her feet again mumbling, "I always forget about those damned spurs."

She moved away from him rubbing her backside (obviously wearing only a scarlet thong to protect her modesty.) There seemed to be a small blood smear where the sharp rowel of a spur had punctured her left buttock.

She swung back around to look at him and said in a loud voice, "We want TIVA! Act like a man, DiNozzo. Hug her, kiss her, tell her how you feel about her."

"I don't know what I feel…"

"Don't give me that shit! We know you love her, it's time to admit it to yourself and to her. This is your last warning. Next time I'm bringing help and we're not leaving until we have what we want. You and Ziva in bed, with us watching and cheering you on!"

DiNozzo shuddered at the thought of the audience she might bring with her.

"I'm leaving now. I'll call McGee to come release you. You and he can try and figure out how I got in the apartment and got the cuffs on you – just suffice it to say you can find anything on the internet, including lock picking tools." She smiled coquettishly. "Bye now. Don't make me come back."

DiNozzo heard the door click shut as he struggled in vain against the cuffs wondering to himself, _Would having an audience be all that bad? Oh, yeah, if this fan is any indication – it would be ALL bad._


	2. The Fan at Large

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crack!fic for ME Wofford and ltjvt1026.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is dedicated to ME Wofford, and to ltjvt1026 who tells Leroy Jethro Gibbs and Mike Franks stories that ring with the truth.
> 
> My thanks to elflordsmistress who helped me with story line, spelling, punctuation, and grammar. I'm sure she smiles while marking up my pages, just as my 10th grade English teacher did. Any remaining errors are mine alone.

Gibbs was busy on his computer keyboard when the phone rang so instead of picking up the receiver he quickly pushed the speaker button. "Yeah, Gibbs."

"Special Agent Gibbs, this is LT Spenser, private investigator for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe."

DiNozzo snorted, "The three stooges. Great play on words. Wonderful movie, but they never said Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, they used Dewey, Burnam and Howe. Also had a Stooges poster – good stuff!"

Gibbs shot him a glare to shut him up. "Yeah, Mr. Spenser?"

"Call me LT, please. We have been retained to locate a missing woman."

"How can NCIS help?"

"Our principals told us that for the last few months she has been talking continuously about NCIS and somebody who works there named TIVA."

Tony's head shot up, his eyes wide, nostrils flared and his mouth hanging open. Ziva watched Tony, amazed at his obvious concern. 

McGee also looked at Tony but with a smirk on his face and then he said, "That law firm does have a website, boss. Offices in New York."

Gibbs spoke into the speaker phone, obviously becoming frustrated, "Mr. Spenser, who are your principals? What makes them think we can help?"

"A father and daughter, Paul and Ellie Farwell. Evidently the daughter is very attached to her aunt and from a recent conversation, believes that her aunt may be stalking this TIVA person who works for NCIS."

"I still don't see how we can help."

"Mr. and Ms. Farwell believe his sister could have visited your offices within the past few weeks and maybe even paid a visit to one of your agents in his home recently."

Tony's eyes got even wider as he shook his head. _This cannot be happening,_ he thought to himself.

McGee's smile got larger. 

Ziva looked at McGee and mouthed, "What's going on?"

"When would she have visited our offices?"

"Not sure, exactly. Would a description help?"

"Maybe."

Before the description could begin, Ducky exited the elevator, removing his trench coat and listening to the man on the speaker phone as he strode toward the bullpen.

"She's a fairly tall woman, almost six feet tall. Silver hair cut short so it fits her head like a cap. Blue eyes that seem to always have a smile in them, unless she's really angry. Ms. Farwell tells me that recently her aunt has started wearing bright red cowboy boots and western spurs even with her dresses."

Tony remembers those eyes…those angry eyes…and those cowboy boots with spurs…he doesn't want to think about the rest of the garb he remembers. 

McGee is still watching Tony and smiling. He's heard the story. Made Tony tell him the full story before he'd remove the handcuffs from Tony's wrists. He even heard about the cowboy boots and spurs. 

Ziva finally spoke up, "Tim, what is going on? Why are you smiling at Tony like that? And Tony, why are you acting like you have seen a goblin?"

"A ghost, Ziva," said Tim automatically.

Ducky said, "Ah, I remember her, the kissing lady, and she even dipped me. It reminds me of a time in my youth when at a public house in London, I was approached by a tall, blonde woman who said she wanted…"

"Ducky!"

"Oh, sorry. I do remember that kiss though. Best I've had in forty years!"

"Mr. Spenser, I'll have to get back to you. What's your number?" asked Gibbs.

"Let me call you, Agent Gibbs. I'm gonna be out of the office for a while doing some looking of my own. She's probably not up here, but I can charge the Farwell's for a trip to the local diner anyway, right? I'll call back in about an hour, okay?"

Gibbs pressed the release button without saying another word.

Tony started talking immediately, "Boss, did you recognize that description? That's the woman who came in here and slapped you so hard you almost came out of the chair! Then she came over here and told me I was pathetic. She said something to Probie, too, then she told Abby to grow up. That's when she kissed Ducky. You remember, Boss?"

**NEW YORK CITY**

"You hear all that, ME?"

"Yes, I did. Putting all of us on a conference call was a pretty good idea even if I say so myself."

"I really don't feel good about this. If anyone catches me on the phone, especially long distance, I could lose this security gig. Just because I have access to the phone exchange for the building while I'm here does not mean I have total use of everything."

"Get it together, man. I can make a trip to New York just as easily as I can go to D.C. and wherever I go, my bull whip goes. I mean it! Now you've got a couple of burn phones like I told you, right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"All right, soon as you get off shift, call Gibbs' direct line again. Tell him my pathetic brother and his darling daughter are turning over heaven and earth to find me. Tell him NCIS has got to help and the best way to do that is to make TIVA happen! You got that?"

"Yes, just like we talked about before. After I do that, you'll let me off the hook, right? I don't owe you anything else, right?"

"You be ready. I'll tell you when you're off the hook, buddy, and it ain't yet! I'll be in touch. Bye."

LT hung up the phone and put away the head set slowly. He knew he would continue to do what ME required. He had bet against her and lost and now she was collecting, big time. He couldn't do anything else. He owed her too much. Just as he finished clearing the desk, his relief walked into view. _Damn, I'm glad this shift is over. Maybe if I can get this done today, she'll leave me alone for a while, quit nagging me for a few days._

**NAVY YARD, WASHINGTON D.C.**

Ziva had her hands flat on Tony's desk as she leaned toward him, "What is going on, Tony? I am your partner. Tell me. Perhaps I can help."

"Back off, David," said Gibbs. "I'll ask the questions. I want to know the answers just as much as you do."

He could feel Leon Vance coming down the staircase behind him and he could see Abby and Palmer in his peripheral vision. The whole damn shootin' match was gathering for this one – just as if they were sharks smelling blood in the water. _This better be good,_ thought Gibbs, but his gut was telling him that there was nothing good about it.

"What's going on, Gibbs?" asked Vance.

"Not sure yet, Leon, just gettin' started here."

Gibbs stared hard at Tony. "DiNozzo, what did Spenser mean about that woman visiting one of my agents at home recently?"

"Uhh…I don't know, boss?"

"You sound like McGee did two years ago with all that umming and ahhing. Tell me what happened. Now!"

"What makes you think anything happened to me, boss? I haven't done anything wrong. Why pick on me?"

"DiNozzo, did that white haired woman come to your apartment? Yes or no?"

"Yes, boss."

"When?"

"Three nights ago." Tony was hanging his head as if in shame.

"What happened, DiNozzo?" Gibbs was unrelenting.

"I don't know…somehow she drugged me or something 'cause when she woke me up I was handcuffed to the bed and she was cracking a bull whip over me."

"What?" said Gibbs and Vance simultaneously.

"It's true. She cracked the whip, then she hit me across the thighs with it to be sure I was completely awake. Then she started talking about TIVA."

"Who the hell is TIVA?" shouted Gibbs, his face red with anger.

Abby stepped forward. "TIVA is the term some writers of fanfiction use to describe the characters Tony and Ziva in the romance stories they write about NCIS."

"Why would anyone write fanfiction about an armed federal agency?" asked Vance.

"They like us," explained Abby. "There's a TV show on that portrays NCIS in action and there is a true life NCIS case every week on that new detective channel. Somehow, some of the fans have found out who we are and they write about us."

"You mean like McGee's book?" asked Gibbs.

"Yep. I even saw a story on there the other day with the title, Deep Six Unexpurgated, written by some guy using the alias McGee's Muse, so they even write about Timmy's novel."

"Really?" asked Tim. "That's pretty cool, right?"

Gibbs cut him off, "What happened then, DiNozzo?"

All the while Ziva had been sitting quietly listening to the conversation with a smile on her face. She was obviously pleased about something but was not saying a word.

"Well, boss, she told me that I should tell Ziva I love her and that we should make love or she was going to come back to my apartment with an army and force us to do it while they watch." DiNozzo shuddered at the memory.

Ziva mistook Tony's reaction and said, "Would having sex with me be such a terrible thing, Tony, that you shake at the thought?"

"No, Ziva. But you didn't see the evil in that woman's eyes. You didn't hear the threat that she would bring others with her to make sure we did it. It was not fun, I can tell you!"

Vance asked, "How did you get out of the cuffs?"

"I let him out," said McGee.

"And just how did you get involved in his mess?"

"The mystery woman called me and told me that I should go to Tony's apartment and release him."

"That didn't sound a little hinky to you, McGee?" asked Gibbs.

"Well, yeah it did, but she was very persuasive and she told me to keep it to myself cause Tony wouldn't want anyone to know he'd been overcome by some middle aged woman. So I decided to check it out for myself."

"How did you get in?"

"I was ready to pick the lock, but I tried the door first, and it was unlocked."

Tony jumped in, "She told me she was gonna call Probie, and that he and I could try to figure out how she got in and handcuffed me and everything."

"…and did you?"

"No prints, Gibbs. We dusted everything," said McGee.

"We didn't find any trace evidence that we could give to Abby, so we…I decided to just keep it quiet and not bother you with it," DiNozzo chimed in.

"Anthony, have you had any residual effects from the visit?" asked Ducky.

"No, not really. I have been going to sleep earlier than usual and sleeping all the way through the night the past couple of nights, but nothing other than that."

Ducky and Gibbs looked at one another in a knowing way.

Gibbs said, "Did you ever think she might have drugged you, DiNozzo? What have you been eating and drinking at home? Did you bring any of that to Abby to check?"

"No. I never thought of it. I was so embarrassed that an almost naked woman got into my apartment and cracked a whip over me, it just never crossed my mind."

"What about you, McGee?" asked Vance.

"No. I was so disconcerted I forgot to check."

"You say she was half naked, Anthony? Tell us what she was wearing," said Ducky.

Tony blushed bright red. Ziva saw his embarrassment and laughed out loud.

"I'm glad you're getting your jollies out of this, Zee-vah. It wasn't that funny, I can tell you."

Ziva looked at Abby and mouthed, "Jollies?" Under her breath.

Abby said, "Tell you later." They both looked back at DiNozzo expectantly, waiting for his story.

"Well my boy, spill the beans, so to speak," said Ducky.

"Okay. She was all in red except the black stockings." 

Ducky's eyebrows raised almost precariously high. "Go on."

"She had on those red cowboy boots and they must have had spurs on them cause when she squatted down by the bed to talk to me she jumped right back up saying that she always forgot about the spurs." Tony blushed again. Ziva laughed again. Tony continued, "She had on one of those lace up corsets with garter straps and a thong. That's all – corset, thong, boots and stockings."

"My, my…and she gave me the best kiss in forty years," Ducky said wonderingly. "I think I'd like to meet her again."

"Enough!" again Gibbs and Vance spoke almost as one.

"McGee, get DiNozzo's key. Go to his apartment and get all food and drinks and bring them back here for Abby to test," said Gibbs.

"What about me, boss?" asked DiNozzo.

"I'm not done with you."

"Whatcha waitin' for, McGee? Get outta here!"

"But, boss, what if she's there – hanging out – watching? Don't I need a partner?" asked McGee.

"Take Palmer." Gibbs said with enough disdain to suggest he didn't take the woman seriously.

McGee and Palmer left after Tony handed over his keys. His head was hanging as if he were very tired. Gibbs could hear him muttering, "She told me to tell Ziva how I feel. How do I feel? How does Ziva feel? She can't expect me to just jump into bed with Ziva, can she?" On and on he blathered. Gibbs could see that Ziva was listening too.

The phone on Gibbs desk began to ring again. "Yeah, Gibbs."

"Agent Gibbs, LT Spenser here. Ms. Farwell has been in touch with me again and she's very worried for her aunt."

"Does that LT stand for something?" asked Gibbs.

"Sure it stands for something. My name."

"So what's your name, LT?" Gibbs asked derisively.

"If you think being a boy named Sue would be tough to live with, try living with Laverne. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Now, can I continue?"

Gibbs was smiling. "Sure, go ahead."

"Ms. Farwell suggested that if you can get TIVA to acknowledge her aunt, she might regain her senses and go back home. Once she's home, Ms. Farwell can get her the care she needs."

"Got any other leads?"

"Nothing. Could I speak to TIVA? Ask about communication with the missing woman?"

"No. We'll handle it."

"Handle what? All my principals want is to locate a missing woman. If Agent TIVA can do that, why not help?"

"There is no TIVA!" said an exasperated Gibbs as he gestured to Vance.

"Mr. Spenser, this is Leon Vance, Director of NCIS. I must ask you for the identity of the missing woman. It is likely she has assaulted at least two of my agents." No reply came.

"Mr. Spenser? The name?"

"Sorry Director, no can do. Gotta go. Bye."

"McGee, that call come in from the same line?" asked Vance.

Ziva replied, "McGee left with Palmer, Director, but I have traced the call. That one came from an unregistered cell phone somewhere in New York. I wasn't able to pinpoint the location."

"Burn phone. Gibbs, I don't like the way this is shaking out. Take care of this." Vance walked away unwrapping a toothpick and placing it in the side of his mouth.

**NEW YORK CITY**

LT tossed the recently used cell phone into a trash bin, and pulled another one from his jacket pocket. He dialed the memorized number.

"LT, you make that call?" asked ME without a preliminary hello.

"Yes, but it didn't go well. Gibbs put the director on the phone and he started asking who you were."

"Did you convince Gibbs that TIVA needs to happen now?"

"What do you mean, needs to happen? I thought TIVA was a person."

"Oh, hell. I'll have to do it myself. You stay available. You did not complete this mission. You still owe me. You hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said dejectedly. "I'll be available."

**NAVY YARD, WASHINGTON D.C.**

Tony was still at his desk muttering to himself when his cell phone rang. He automatically reached for it, but before he could open it Gibbs said, "Check it first DiNozzo. On speaker."

Tony opened the phone and checked the caller ID. He shook his head at Gibbs, pushed the speaker button and placed the phone on his desk. "Special Agent DiNozzo," he answered hesitantly.

CRACK!

"You hear that, DiNozzo? You recognize the sound of my whip?"

"Uhh…yes."

"You haven't done what I want. Get busy. I'm not gonna wait all season."

Gibbs stepped closer to Tony's desk before he said, "Who is this? What do you want?"

"Butt out, Gibbs! You did help save Ziva, but you are not the one who needs to take action now, so just back off! This is between me and Tony…and Ziva." The voice on the phone got noticeably softer, "sweet Ziva."

Ziva's eyes narrowed as she watched Tony and Gibbs, wondering how this mystery would play out.

"Okay, lady, I give up, what do you want?" asked Tony despondently.

"One last time, Mr Studley, so pay attention. All TIVA fans want is for you to take Ziva in your arms, kiss her, and tell her you love her. She'll get all starry eyed and tell you she loves you and then the two of you can consummate your love."

There was a pause, then she continued, "Gibbs, I can hear you thinking! Don't start spouting that rule number twelve crap. It's not gonna work. We TIVA fans are gonna get what we want!"

Ziva was all smiles as she said, "I have not met you mystery woman, but I like your attitude. Just go after what you want. Yes?"

"Exactly, Ziva. Glad you spoke up. It's all up to you now, Tony." The phone signal was cut off as the mystery woman disconnected the phone.

"Tony – Ziva, my office, now!" said Gibbs as he walked quickly toward the elevator. He punched the up button and first Ziva then Tony slid into the elevator before the doors closed. As it started its upward path, Gibbs hit the much abused kill switch and the elevator stopped abruptly.

"I'm tired of this and we're gonna take the easy way out. You two are gonna have to take one for the team."

"Whaddaya mean, boss? You want me and Ziva to make the beast with two backs…do the horizontal hula…do the dirty deed?"

"Why do you think I am dirty, Tony? I shower twice each day."

"It's just a saying, Ziva. Is that what you mean, boss?" Tony asked almost eagerly.

"Pretend you're undercover again. Go have some drinks in public and go home. I don't care how, but satisfy that woman and her band of unhappy zealots so we can get some real work done."

Ziva piped up again, "I have done this before for an assignment. I can do it again, but I have conditions."

"You have conditions before you will sleep with me, Zee-vah? You need a sound proof room so no one will hear you scream in ecstasy?"

"No, Tony. My condition is that you must wax your chest and back. I will never have sex with another hairy man." Ziva shudders and then continues, "You may keep your hairy butt. It is cute."

"DiNozzo men do not get wax jobs! I can't do that!"

"You have to do it. It's not something McGee can do for you," said Gibbs.

Ziva's eyes got bright, "That would also be acceptable."

Tony said, "What? You'd pick McGee just because I won't wax?"

"That is not the only reason, but I will scream out your name when I orgasm, Tony."

"Crazy lady or not, I'm not gonna wax my chest and back. That's painful, man."

"You two work it out, but make something happen tonight to get TIVA out of my life!" Gibbs restarted the elevator and when it reached the fourth floor he exited, leaving Ziva and DiNozzo standing looking at one another.

**Tony's Apartment**  
2000 Hours

Thump, thump, thump the headboard thudded against the wall in its march to the beat of the bodies rising and falling on it.

Tony felt it coming…the climax was almost here. His cell phone rang and without thinking he opened it and answered, "DiNozzo."

Thump, thump, thump. "TOOONNNYY…" Ziva's voice carried throughout the apartment.

"Well sounds like things are progressing nicely, but how did you answer the phone so damn quick, DiNozzo?" He recognized the demanding tone of the crazy woman's voice.

"I…er…I…em…er"

"TOOONNNY…TOOONNNY…AAHHH…OOH, MCGEE"

From the cell phone Tony heard only, "NOOOOOoooooooo" before the phone disconnected.


	3. The Brokenhearted Fan Gets Snippy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is another crack!fic loosely based on MEWofford's story, _The Fan_ , and my previous attempts at a little humor. This one will make more sense if you read those first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: The TV show NCIS belongs to CBS and Don Bellisario. I do like to think about them, though, and how things would be different if I were in charge.
> 
> Dedication: This one is dedicated to PT21 who said that what I posted was not enough. This is for her. I hope she likes it.

"Agent David, how may I help you?" Ziva said into her phone.

"Oh, Ziva, you've broken the hearts of thousands of TIVA lovers," sobbed the voice at the other end of the line.

Ziva was alone in the office, so she could not motion to McGee to start a trace on the phone call. "I am sorry. I do not know what you are talking about."

"You should be sorry, Ziva David. The voice was a little louder, less tear filled. "You made a mockery of TIVA. You must have broken poor Tony's heart, and you used little Tim to try to make us believe you were making love with Tony. I have to know what happened to turn things so wrong!"

"Ahh, you are the mystery lady who is hot for TIVA."

"Yes…and I still want to know how you wound up in bed with Tim and not Tony!"

"If you must know, Tony refused to wax his chest and back. He said that DiNozzo men do not do wax jobs. I refuse to have sex with another hairy man – even for a mission - so I chose Tim instead."

"Don't you get snippy with me, young lady. You may be a Mossad-trained assassin, but I think I can take you – you lost the edge while you were away and I'm a tough old bird."

"What is the meaning of 'snippy?' I do not understand."

"Get Abby to tell you. I'm not going to take the time. Now tell me why you would ask poor Tony to wax his chest and back. All that hair is gorgeous. Makes him a manly man…mmm mmm, good."

"I told you. I will not have sex with another hairy man. I believe I would be physically ill if I did. Michael ruined it for me. He was a very hairy man and he only used me to complete his mission. When I think of him it just makes me sick."

"Oh…okay, I think I understand that. So we have two choices. We either have to get the hair off DiNozzo, or we have to change your point of view. I think you have been through enough, so I won't try to change your mind, but I will work on getting the hair off DiNozzo if you agree to follow through."

"By follow through, do you mean, have sex with Tony?"

"Yes. But you have to be in looove. Otherwise it won't be TIVA, and TIVA is what we must have."

"You must give me time to think, mystery lady. Gibbs said, 'take one for the team,' and I did. That mission is complete. I am satiated. Tim was very good."

"I don't want to hear that crap, Ziva! I've told everyone we're going to get TIVA this season. I've got everyone ready for it to happen. You can't back out now. You know you love Tony. There are thousands of us just waiting for it to happen. Don't break our hearts, please." Ziva could hear whimpering and sniffling.

"I will think about it. Now I must go ask Abby about snippy."

"I'm not going to let go of this, Ziva. We're going to have TIVA even if I have to do something drastic. I'll be in touch." Ziva heard the line disconnect.

She immediately rose from her chair and set off to Abby's lab.

"Hi, Ziva!" yelled the always effervescent Abby Sciuto. Her music was ear-hurting loud as usual.

"Please turn down the music, Abby."

"Oh…okay." Abby reduced the booming guitars and screeching voices to a lower level. "Nice to see you, Ziva. What brings you to Abby's lab? Need a specimen analyzed?"

"No. I need you to tell me the meaning of snippy."

"Well, it means…let's look it up. My second grade teacher told me not to be snippy to her once when she told me to leave my hunting dog at home, and I thought she meant 'don't talk back,' but maybe there's another meaning." Abby paused as she brought up the Merriam Webster online dictionary. "It means, 'short tempered or snappish;' another definition is 'unduly brief or curt.' Somebody call you snippy, Ziva?"

"Yes." Ziva replied absently. "The mystery lady. I think I was not snippy with her."

Abby shouted as she turned quickly to Ziva, "You mean the TIVA mystery lady? The one who tied up Tony and hit him with a bull whip?"

"Yes."

Abby was beside herself with curiosity. "What did she want, Ziva? What did she say? I thought Gibbs had this all figured out and that she was gone back home. Does she still want TIVA, is that what this is about?"

"Abby, calm down. Yes, she still wants TIVA. She says that I cannot disappoint thousands of fans who want TIVA. I thought it was all over, but our deception did not work, it seems."

"Oh, you mean when you had sex with Tim instead of Tony hoping that they would think it was TIVA in the bedroom?"

"Abby! How do you know this?"

"Tim told me. He could never keep anything from me and when I saw him come in last week with that shit-eating grin on his face I knew he got some, so I made him spill the beans."

"I did not completely understand what you said, Abby. Too many idioms. What is a shit-eating grin and how does spilling the beans bear on this?"

Abby smiled hugely at her friend. "You know that smile men keep on their faces for a couple of days after having good sex?" Ziva nodded. "That's a shit-eating grin. And Tim had one. And I made him tell me who, how, what, and when." Abby's pigtails were bouncing as she finished the explanation. "What I don't know is why you didn't do Tony."

"You are not angry with me, Abby?"

"No! Timmy needed to get laid and I wasn't going to do it, so I'm glad you did. It did him a world of good – built his confidence up no end. Now tell me **why** you didn't do it with Tony. I think the two of you are meant for each other."

"He would not wax his chest and back."

"Why would you ask him to do that? I thought you liked his hairy butt."

"I do, it's cute. But…did you ever see Michael Rivken?"

"Yes."

"He was a very hairy man. After he seduced me to complete his mission, I am now completely turned off by men with chest and back hair. So I told Gibbs and Tony that I would sleep with Tony only if he waxed his chest and back. Tony said no. Gibbs sort of volunteered Tim, and then Tim quickly volunteered himself when asked. So we planned a subterfuge. It obviously did not work. I will question Tony and Tim to find out if they know why."

"Ask us what, sweet cheeks?" asked Tony and he and McGee walked into the lab.

"If you know how the mystery lady found out that it was Tim in my bed and not you."

Tony turned white as a sheet and grabbed McGee's shoulder to keep from falling. "Wha…how…what happened, Ziva?"

"She called me and asked me why Tim and not Tony. How does she know, Tony, did you tell her?"

"Ahh…no…I didn't have to tell her."

"What do you mean?"

"She called while you and McGee were doing it. You kept yelling Tony – Tony, at the top of your voice, and she asked me how I was able to talk on the phone and do you at the same time…and then you yelled 'MCGEEEE.' She knew then, I think, cause she hung up."

"I did not call out McGee's name! I told you I would call out your name, and I did!"

Abby spoke up, "That was snippy, Ziva."

At almost the same time, Tony said, "Ziva, you did yell McGee's name - louder than mine."

Tony and Ziva had a did-not, did-too back and forth that ended in a glaring standoff.

Ziva said, "We must find a way to keep Gibbs out of this and get this woman out of our lives. He will be very angry if he finds we have failed in our mission to take one for the team."

"Who will be angry, Ziva?" asked Palmer as he entered the lab. He held out an evidence bag to Abby for her to sign.

"Go away, autopsy gremlin," said Tony through his hands covering his face.

"That's no way to speak to someone who kept you in Jamaican blend all the time Gibbs was in Mexico, Tony. That was downright snippy."

Tim looked up quickly, "What's up with the snippy stuff today? That's twice in ten minutes someone has used that term. What's going on?"

"Never mind, Tim, it's not important," said Abby.

Palmer was all smiles as he asked, "What's up guys? Why the campfire in the lab?"

Abby was the first to speak up. "We have to find a way to get Ziva and Tony in bed so we can keep the boss man from finding out that the mystery lady is back."

Palmer turned away to leave saying, "Good luck with that…I'm leaving now. I don't need any part of that."

"Wait, Jimmy. You're in medical school. Do you know of any depilatories we can use on Tony that don't hurt?"

"Whaddaya mean?"

"Well, Ziva won't sleep with Tony 'til he removes all the hair on his chest and back. Tony refuses to wax 'cause it hurts. Do you know anything that we can use to remove the hair from Tony's body?"

"Not his butt," piped up Ziva. "Only his chest and back."

"I'm not doing it," came Tony's muffled voice from between his hands. He was slumped forward on Abby's lab stool and was obviously still shaken from the news of the mystery lady.

"C'mon, Tony, you gotta help us out here…or do you want to tell Gibbs you didn't fully complete your mission?" asked Abby.

"What do you know about our mission?"

"Everything. Ziva and Tim told me everything."

Palmer's eyes were bright with excitement. "What was the mission? Why didn't you finish it? How can I help? Yes, I know how to remove hair. I even have a straight razor that I use to shave corpses sometimes. I can help. I know I can. What's the mission?"

Ziva's cell phone began to ring. She checked the caller ID and found it was the same number as the call that she had received earlier at her desk. She told McGee to trace the call before she answered, putting it on the speaker, "Agent David, how may I help you?"

"Ziva, it's me again. I forgot to ask you a question earlier that has really been bugging me. What was it like to be on Tony's shoulders with your twat pressed against his neck knowing that only two little pieces of cloth separated your skin from his?"

Tony groaned out loud at both the voice and the question.

"That you, DiNozzo? I'd recognize that groan anywhere after listening to you with those cuffs on. How did you feel with Ziva riding your shoulders? Make you wish you'd carried out my demands?"

Tony groaned again. 

Ziva laughed out loud saying, "It was a fine ride. Tony was a good mount, turning exactly as I directed. I was very happy to stroke his neck in return for the good feeling he gave me. The dismount was fun also, although he did not seem to appreciate it much."

"You think more about TIVA?"

"I came to Abby's lab to ask her about snippy. We have also talked about getting rid of Tony's body hair. He is still unwilling."

"I'll take care of that. Get ready, DiNozzo! I'm coming to see you again!"

"No! I don't want you to come see me again. I'll never go home again. You'll never find me."

"Then do the right thing for TIVA, you furniture-moving Italian gigolo!" The line went dead.

Palmer asked, "What did she mean by that?"

As Ducky entered the room, he said, "Tony once moved some furniture for Mother when he was guarding her. That same day she called him an Italian gigolo as I recall. Was that our mystery kissing woman on the phone again? I do so want to spend a little time with her. Did she say whether she's still here in town? How do you suppose she knows what Mother called Tony? She really is a very prescient woman."

"She only said she was coming to see DiNozzo. Tim, were you able to get a trace on the call?"

"Yeah, she's in town, all right. She was either in Tony's apartment or very close to it, but she's on the move now. Unh oh, she just turned off her cell phone. There went my trace."

"She was in my apartment!? Oh, god, I really liked that apartment. I can never go back there again. Probie, will you pick up some clothes for me? I'll have to stay in a motel tonight."

"No, Tony, I will not go get your clothes," said Tim.

"And neither will I," said Ziva immediately. She had an evil smile on her face. "However, you may stay at my place tonight, if you wish, instead of a motel." She winked at Abby.

"Really? That would be great. Save me some money, too. Thank you, Ziva, thank you."

Tony left saying that he would get some underwear and a shirt from his locker before he headed for Ziva's apartment.

As Tim walked away, Ziva said, "Tim, please check that cell phone and let me know when it comes back on line."

"Okay, Ziva. Will do," and he walked out, headed for the bullpen.

"I must go consult with the county ME, Mr. Palmer. Please be certain everything is locked away properly before you leave. Ziva, if that lady calls again, please ask her if she would like to come to my home for tea – at her convenience."

Ziva caught Palmer's eye and said, "Jimmy, come to my apartment at 8:30 tonight. Bring your straight razor. Wear a mask unless you want DiNozzo to recognize you. Do you remember how to get to my apartment?"

Jimmy grinned broadly, "Yes, I remember from your last dinner party. I'll be there, and I'll bring shave cream and other stuff, too!"

He headed back to autopsy. Abby and Ziva could hear him saying, "Oh, boy. I'll teach him to call me autopsy gremlin. This will be fun!"

Abby turned to Ziva, "What do you have in that evil mind of yours?"

"I shall teach DiNozzo that he should not reject my requests. Will you help me?"

Abby clenched her fists, pumped them in the air and jumped up and down squealing. "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"Then there is someone else we must have involved as well. Hopefully her phone is back on line now," said Ziva as she pressed the button to select the last number that had called her.

**Ziva's Apartment**  
1900

"Tony, was the marinara sauce okay? I only had an hour to make it and I hope it was up to your standard."

"It was delicious, Ziva, and the pasta was perfectly al dente – just the way I like it." Tony shook his head and looked up at Ziva, "You mind if I take a little nap before we start the movie? Worrying about that crazy lady has taken a lot out of me today."

"No problem, Tony. Just lie back on the couch. Use one of the throw pillows for your head." Ziva was grinning widely as she turned away.

Just as Ziva finished filling the dishwasher, she heard a light knock at the front door. She walked quickly to the entry way and opened the door. The woman standing there was almost six feet tall with a cap of white hair. She was wearing a brown trench coat and carried a large purse-like bag. "Hello, Ziva," she said softly. "Is he out already?"

"Yes. I can no longer call you mystery lady. What is your name?"

"You can call me Snippy. I brought my scissors."

As Ziva began to close the door, Abby arrived, having skipped down the hall. Her pigtails were still shaking as she turned sideways to get through the door before it closed. "Hi! Everything going as planned?"

"Yes. Abby, this is Snippy, the mystery lady. Snippy, I suppose you recognize Abby."

"Oh, yes, and I'm certain she remembers me. I told her to grow up. She paid more attention than DiNozzo – she solved that crime out in LA and got Eric involved, too. Good one, Abby!"

"Thanks, Snippy. We ready to get started?"

"We can move him to the bedroom. He will be out for an hour or so. Thank you for the knockout drops, Abby. He almost did not finish his meal before he was asleep."

The three women carried Tony to the bedroom and put him on the bed. They undressed him to his boxers and cuffed his hands to the headboard. They also tied his feet to the footboard using silk scarves Ziva took from her closet.

"Okay, time to get dressed," said Abby.

"I'm dressed," said Snippy as she shrugged out of the trench coat showing the crimson corset that Tony had described. She reached into her bag and came out with the scissors and a bullwhip – also bright red. She was chuckling – _heeheehee_ "This is going to be fun!"

"What did you bring me, Abby?" asked Ziva.

"A corset just like hers, except in white satin. I figured you had stockings and a thong, and I just couldn't find any cowboy boots on short notice, so you can wear those high heel boots you wore to the club a couple of weeks ago. I did get some spurs though. I also have a mask of black and white feathers that will cover most of your face."

"What are you going to wear?"

"Black, of course."

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP.

DiNozzo started to wake to the feeling of being held down by several hands on his abdomen…and he couldn't move his arms – or his feet. "Oh, god," he murmured, "Not again! This can't be happening again!"

As he raised his head and opened his eyes, he saw three apparitions in red, white, and black. Three women…in corsets…two with masks covering their faces, but the other was out of his worst nightmare. "Nooo! Keep those scissors away from me! You might put out my eye!"

"That's only when you run, DiNozzo, and you're definitely not running anywhere tonight, so just pipe down while I finish this. Blackie, if he says another word, hit him with your riding crop!"

The woman wearing the black corset turned to the nearby chest of drawers and took a black riding crop from it. She brandished it at Tony and said in an unnaturally deep voice, "You heard her. Zip it."

The one in white chuckled and continued to hold his abdomen as the woman in red started snipping away at his hairy body again. "This will only get so close, then we'll have to get a razor to finish the job. But we'll have him ready for Ziva before midnight. Tonight we're gonna get us some TIVA!"

Blackie jumped and pumped her fists and yelled "Yeah!"

"Abby? Is that you? Why are you doing this to me?"

She just brandished the riding crop at him again and in the same voice as before said, "I said Zip it."

Tony raised his head and looked down his body again. What caught his eye, though, was the bare bottom of the woman in the white corset pointed straight at him. The only thing breaking the view was the garter strap bisecting each butt cheek stretched tight to the back of each white stocking. "Wow!" he thought. That bare bottom curved into the most graceful, gorgeous legs he remembered seeing and they were encased in white stockings with black boots that came over her calves. He felt himself becoming aroused.

Ziva immediately saw the tent begin to rise in Tony's boxers and turned to look at him. She saw where he was staring and chuckled again, "You zee zomezing you like, big boy?" she asked in an obviously fake accent. "Maybe Siva can get zomezing after all, eh?" She waggled her butt at him and smiled.

"Don't tease the poor man, Whitey. You can see he's trying to rise to the occasion. If you tease him, you might make it go away again. Poor, hairy man. I think it's a shame that Ziva wants to get rid of all this lovely hair, but it's her party, not mine, so I'm going to do what she needs done." 

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP 

She kept cutting the hair, beginning to move up toward his chest.

He whined and he cursed, but Tony couldn't make them stop and very quickly the hair on his belly and chest was sheared as close to the skin as they could get it with scissors. There was a knock at the door so soft that Tony almost didn't hear it, but all three women did and they all turned their bare backsides to him and walked through the door to see who was calling. The woman in white was the last one out and she turned and looked at him as she closed the door. He would swear she had winked at him, and she slapped herself on the left buttock as she walked out.

He tugged at the cuffs as hard as he dared and tried to get his feet free, but could make no headway. At least this time the cuffs had nice fur on them. He could do nothing but wait to see what lay in store for him next.

He heard whispering then laughter from the adjoining room, and it included male laughter. "Who are these women and who have they got helping them now?" he wondered. He didn't have to wonder long.

The door opened and the woman in red came in snapping her bullwhip in the air with a loud CRACK! Next was the woman in black brandishing her riding crop and whipping it against the leather of her knee high boot for emphasis. The last one in was the woman in white and she was carrying a whip of interwoven silk scarves tied to what looked like the cut off end of a broom handle. She snapped it just like the bullwhip and it CRACKED too, but with a higher pitch. Ouch. That sounded mean. The next one into the room was a complete surprise.

He was a tall, slender man dressed like a member of a barbershop quartet, complete with striped vest and white straw hat, and he had on a Richard Nixon mask that covered his entire face. He also carried a straight razor and a can of shave cream.

"Palmer, I know that's you…you damned undertaker. You stay away from me with that razor! Don't come near me, damn it! I mean it!"

Jimmy Palmer, dressed in his fancy singing duds, was nonchalant and moved quickly to Tony's side and sprayed shaving cream on his chest and began to rub it around, much to the delight of the ladies.

"His skin will be soft as a baby's butt. Ziva will love it," said Snippy.

"Oh, yeah, she'll feel just fine rubbing herself against that smooth chest and belly."

"I am not sure what Siva will feel," said the woman in white. "She might not like Tony at all, except as a horsy ride now and then." She was smiling broadly.

Tony was jerking himself against the hand cuffs and scarves fastening him to the bed, and whipping his body around trying to get loose.

CRACK! 

"Stop that, DiNozzo! You'll only wind up hurting yourself if you keep jerking around. Let the man do his job and we'll get this night finished off the right way!"

Jimmy began on Tony's chest, scraping the hair and shave cream away with the straight razor. He worked carefully around the clavicle then moved down. Tony jerked again as the razor edged closer to a nipple.

"You want him to cut that thing off, you dunce?" asked Snippy. "Just be still and save yourself some blood. Whack him a good one across the legs here, Blackie. Teach him to be still."

Abby was careful not to hit Tony hard enough to hurt him as her riding crop popped across his upper thighs. That got Tony's attention all right!

"Hey, careful of the family jewels there, missy. I'll be still."

Ziva noticed that there was no tenting at all left in Tony's boxers. She couldn't help but tease him about it. "Zo, a little hurt makes the little Tony unhappy? I will rub the legs to make zem feel all better." She knelt beside the bed and reached toward Tony's legs but popped right back up again. In Ziva's voice she said, "Now I understand about the spurs…must not squat with them on." She rubbed her backside to soothe the pain and looked at Tony saying, "Want to kiss it and make it better, Tony?" The tent began to rise again.

Palmer was making good progress with the straight razor now that Tony was still. As he moved onto the abdomen, Snippy said, "Come with me, girls, we have some talking to do." She led the way out of the bedroom with the other two women following.

"Wait a second, Abby…er, I mean, Blackie. I'm going to need some help turning him over to shave his back."

Jimmy finished shaving Tony's front and stood admiring his work. "Smooth as silk. You look good, Tony. Ziva will love this."

He began to untie Tony's feet. "Wait, what are you doing?" asked Abby.

"He's got to have his feet loose to turn over."

"Okay, but be careful."

"Get up there and sit on him. I'm going to have to loosen one of the cuffs too."

She straddled Tony and wriggled a bit getting settled. "This could actually be fun. Okay, Jimmy, I've got him. Ready when you are."

DiNozzo was ready. The instant the cuff was loose on his right hand he bucked Abby off onto the floor and jerked his hands down. Sitting up, he hit Palmer in the jaw with as much leverage as he could muster. Palmer went down in a heap, out cold. DiNozzo jumped off the bed and headed straight for the bedroom door, the fur covered cuff dangling from his left wrist. He took a quick look to make certain the coast was clear and ran to the front door. He opened it and ran pell-mell down the hallway to the exit stairs.

"Help! Tony's escaped!" cried Abby. "And Jimmy's hurt."

Ziva ran from the kitchen where she and Snippy had been talking and found the front door wide open. She looked both ways down the hallway and just caught a glimpse of DiNozzo going through the door to the stairs – wearing nothing but his boxers and the dangling cuff. She decided he had too much of a head start for her to catch him so she returned to the bedroom to find both Abby and Snippy hovering over Jimmy trying to bring him back to consciousness.

"You see him out there?" asked Snippy.

"Yes, but I want to put on some trousers and a shirt before I go hunting him. He should not be hard to find. He is wearing only his boxers." Ziva grinned broadly. "I would like to see the reaction of the people who see him running down the street. He will surely stop traffic." She chuckled.

"But Ziva, we've let TIVA out of our hands again," whined Snippy. "I cannot go on this way. It was so close, yet it slips away each time. I can't live without resolution. TIVA must happen!" She slammed her open hand against the floor next to Jimmy's head.

Jimmy started and Abby said, "Careful, Snippy, you don't want to hurt Jimmy. He really tried to help us tonight."

"Yeah, but it looks like he just turned one half of TIVA loose on metropolitan D.C. He should not have loosened those cuffs."

"We had to turn him over to shave his back," said Jimmy, finally coming round.

Ziva was getting dressed to go after Tony.

"Ziva, I've lost heart for tonight. I couldn't enjoy TIVA tonight even if you could capture him and bring him back. Just let him go until we can come up with a new plan. Maybe your love for him will grow again and you will want him just as he is."

"You mean with hair on his back and a shaved chest?" asked Ziva with a laugh in her voice. "I have had fun tonight. We can make a better plan to torture him and make him want me at the same time."

"That's my girl. Let's go finish our tea and let Abby get Jimmy up and moving."

"I will be fun to find out what story Tony will tell Gibbs tomorrow. I will be surprised if he gets to work on time and he may even end up in jail…and him with his upper body shaved." Ziva could not remember when she had smiled and laughed as much as she had tonight.

Snippy and Ziva went to the kitchen. Drinking their tea and talking desultorily about NCIS, they passed several minutes. Ziva looked up sharply, head cocked, listening.

Thump, thump, thump.

"Do you hear that, Snippy?

Thump, thump, thump. A little louder. Then…

"Jimmy, ohhh, Jimmy. Wow! More! Jiiimmmyyy!!!

With a large smile on her face Snippy said, "We didn't get TIVA, so I guess that JABBY will do for tonight. _Heeheehee_

Ziva nodded thinking, "I hope I have a set of clean sheets."


	4. The Fan Needs a Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bama, this one is for you. I hope it makes you laugh a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: CBS and Bellisario still own NCIS and all its characters. I still have fun when they walk and talk the way I want them to, but I have no claim over them. I write this cracky! stuff for my own pleasure and to give a smile or two to those TIVA lovers and haters and inbetweeners who read it.

"Gibbs, I had a bad tummy all night last night and I want some revenge."

Gibbs was startled, but didn't show it. He continued to walk down the stairs to his basement to get a better look at whoever was talking. He was surprised to see the mystery lady who had slapped him and told him to forget rule twelve. He actually did a quick double take to be certain, and surely enough it was her. She was sitting on one of his saw horses and sipping water from a bottle. She was as tall as he remembered and had that cap of white hair that made her so distinguishable.

"Last time I heard anything about you, you were wearing a red corset and carrying a bullwhip – and harassing my people."

"That was just for emphasis for Tony. I realize now that the problem is not of his making, so I'm moving up the chain."

"That mean I'm next for the whip? I may have a problem with that."

"First we're just gonna talk, then I'll decide how to handle it from there."

"Talk."

"I want Shane Brennan."

"Who?"

"Shane Brennan, the executive producer, the guy that took over from Bellisario when he bailed. "

"Don't know anyone named Brennan. Met Walter Brennan once, but that was years ago out in San Diego."

"Don't bullshit me, Gibbs. You know as well as I do that if Bellisario were still here, Tony and Ziva would be at least dating and maybe doing the horizontal mambo."

"Lady, you keep using names I don't know. I think you may need a doctor."

The lady became agitated as she said, "Shane Brennan and the writers have been ambiguous to the point of nauseating everyone this season! He won't let them get together, but he won't break them apart! He gives interviews saying something is going to happen, but nothing does – or it's something in the opposite direction than what he said it would be! We are to the point of being physically ill! As I said, I was sick after last night's episode, and it was because of Shane Brennan. I am going to put him straight, you can bet on that. Now tell me where I can find the silly bastard! I can at least collect for the Tums and toilet paper I used up after the episode!"

Gibbs got red in the face as he yelled in frustration, "I don't know Shane Brennan, and if I did I wouldn't tell you how to find him. You are a crazy woman without a lick of sense. Now get the hell out of here so I can drink my bourbon in peace."

"Not until you tell me what I want to know, Gibbs! Tell me! Tell me!" She stood and advanced menacingly toward Gibbs with blood in her eye.

"I've never hit a woman, but you're trying my patience."

"No, you just shoot them, right? All except Jenny."

Gibbs caught his breath as he shot her a glare.

"That got your attention didn't it? Hasn't been any mention of her this season either, has there? The one woman after Shannon that could match you and be a full partner in your life. There hasn't even been a flashback of you and her together. And now here comes that black haired lawyer woman and you're making eyes at her like a high school kid. What the hell is going on with the love life at NCIS? I'll tell you what. It's that damn Brennan and his need to grab more of the market share. Going off in all directions with ambiguous story lines trying to titillate everyone. Well it won't work, and I'm going to tell him so. If you won't tell me where to find him, I'll do it another way…and don't forget, the sumbitch owes me money."

Gibbs leaned against the saw horse and very calmly said, "Since I don't know what you're talkin' about, that's what you'll have to do. Bye now."

She regained her composure and moved across the room to leave. As she walked up the stairs, Gibbs noticed her bright red cowboy boots with the spurs. _Damn, it's her for sure,_ he thought to himself.

Gibbs woke to hear a low rumbling from somewhere in his house. He couldn't place the noise and that bothered him. He slipped from bed and jerked on the jeans he had thrown across the chair next to the bed. Grabbing his Sig, he moved quietly through the door and down the hallway to the living room. He suddenly realized what he was hearing was the muted voices of several women, and then he heard a voice he recognized.

"Y'all keep it down, now. We don't want him to wake up before we're ready for him." The murmurs lowered a bit, but Gibbs heard another female voice say, "I think we're ready now. We've all got our signs and we've practiced the chants. Oh, isn't this pink bike cute? Wonder why he keeps a girl's bike in the living room?"

"Oh, and look at this picture of Gibbs and his dad. Isn't that sweet…that's just so sweet."

"Here's the gun safe."

"He really needs to clean up the fireplace better after he grills on it. Look at all the grease he left on these bricks. He really needs a woman to look after him...and I volunteer!"

"This old couch could sure use a dust cover to make it more presentable. This place is so '70's…needs a woman's touch."

Gibbs eased back toward his bedroom and found his cell phone. He punched a speed dial number.

"DiNozzo."

"DiNozzo, get David and McGee and come over to my house right now. You cover the front door. Put McGee in back and Ziva on the side by the basement window."

"What's up boss?"

"Just do it, DiNozzo. Quick."

"On it, boss."

"When you're all in place, knock on the front door and then come on in. Follow my lead."

"You got it. We'll be there in thirty minutes or less."

"Make it less."

Gibbs crept back down the hallway to see if the crowd had turned rowdy. That woman leading them was certainly determined. Maybe the whole crew together could get dangerous.

"ME, we could clean this place up a little while we wait. Has anyone seen a vacuum?"

"I'm going to the kitchen and find a dust cloth, the whole place needs a good dusting."

"Ladies, we came here to talk to Shane Brennan. Gibbs can't control what's being written. Tony and Ziva won't get together unless Brennan puts them together. Gibbs tried to make it work and look how that turned out – McGee and Ziva together broke my heart. Well, I was happy for McGee, but I still want TIVA – in love and loving it. McGee's got those other two chicks chasing after him now, so he's taken care of."

"I've got to do something, ME, or I'm going to go crazy. Can't we clean just a little to make the place more presentable?"

"Bama, I know you're all fired up, but check everyone again to be sure we have everything we need. He'll be up soon and we'll start chanting and waving our signs."

There was a loud knock on the front door. Everyone froze in place while the door opened in almost slow motion to reveal Tony DiNozzo, Sig in hand and pointed generally in the direction of the mass of women staring at him.

"Oh, he's just as handsome in person as he is on TV!"

"Yeah, he's a hunk for sure. No wonder Ziva's after his hot body."

"Look at that cowlick. Makes you want to…"

"Can it, girls. We're here on a mission. WE WANT BRENNAN. WE WANT BRENNAN."

The others picked up the chant and Tony's eyes got large as his mouth dropped open.

From behind them, Gibbs yelled, "Everybody shut up!"

Some of the women were raising poster board placards that stated their desires. One said, "TIVA = HAPPINESS" another "GIVE US TIVA, NOW" and another more direct stated, "BRENNAN SUCKS!"

From the doorway into the kitchen McGee asked, "You okay, boss?"

"Oh, god, he is just the cutest thing. I want to pinch his fat cheeks."

"Not me, girlfriend. I want his body. He's hotter than Tony."

Gibbs yelled again, "I said everybody shut up! McGee, get Ziva in here to help sort through these women. I don't trust them with you and Tony around. They're just crazy enough to start ripping your clothes off."

McGee responded by punching the speed dial on his phone for Ziva and told her to come in the back door to back them up. Ziva appeared at his side within seconds, Sig drawn and ready.

Ziva said in a startled voice, "Snippy, what are you doing in Gibbs' house with all these women?"

Gibbs, Tony, and McGee were surprised at Ziva's question, but did nothing more than raise their eyebrows or in Gibbs' case, scowl.

"You and Tony went on your escort mission to Paris, Ziva, and spent the night in the same bed in a hotel room and still we don't have evidence of a TIVA relationship! Brennan and the writers won't let you get together, so I have led this band of TIVA Amazons to kick his ass into submission and get you and Tony together the way you should be!"

"Who is Brennan?"

"Don't play dumb with me, missy. I like you, but we're not putting up with this 'who's Brennan?' or 'what writers?' anymore. We want the ambiguity to stop! And we want TIVA in bed humping like there's no tomorrow!"

Gibbs interrupted, "There's no convincing her, Ziva. Cuff her…and anyone else who tries to stop you. These people are all going to NCIS headquarters 'til we sort this out."

"Just sit down where you are," called ME. "We'll have a peaceful sit-in right here. If they want to move us they'll have to carry us."

The women all sat, murmuring among themselves, but ME remained standing knowing that the spurs would play hell with her backside if she tried to squat to the floor.

Ziva moved through the throng of women and put handcuffs on ME with the words, "I am sorry, Snippy, but I think you have gone too far this time. Gibbs is very angry. I will do what I can to calm him down, but you must be quiet and remain calm."

"Okay. Get him to let everyone else go. I'll go quietly – for now."

Gibbs didn't relish the idea of trying to move so many females to NCIS, so he was receptive to Ziva's idea of releasing all of them except the ringleader. "Go ahead. Move them all outta here, but have them leave the signs and placards. I don't want them showing up somewhere else later today."

"Bama, you help all these girls get back home. I'll take care of things here. And don't worry about bringing me a pound cake with a file in it. These guys aren't going to keep me locked up long."

"Okay, but if you go to jail, I'll bring you cigarettes!"

"Bama, I don't smoke, you know that!"

"Yeah, but I've heard you can trade them for most anything. Maybe you can get the guards to bring Tony in to cheer you up." She smiled cheerily.

"Bama, I'm not going to jail. Just go on home and I'll contact you when I can."

"Snippy who were all those women? How did you get them here?"

"I told you before, Ziva, there are hundreds of TIVA fans out there. These are just the few who could get away quickly and drive or fly here right away. With a couple of weeks notice, I bet I could get a thousand to picket outside the Navy Yard."

"Who are they. Do you know all of them?"

"There was Bamacrush of course, and then there was zatl, tonyandziva4ever, amber, mariah4568, ziva4tony, PT21, Britmum and JoMo. Oh, almost forgot Cricket Sings. There were others of course, but I don't remember them all."

"What kind of names are those?"

From the doorway Abby said, "They are fanfiction pseudonyms, Ziva. These are just a few of the ones where I can read about TIVA and pretend that you and Tony are really getting it on, like I know you want to."

"You must show me how to find this fanfiction, Abby." Ziva paused a moment, then said, "Abby, why are you here?"

"Palmer called me and told me something hinky was happening at Gibbs' house so I rushed right over. I guess Ducky told Palmer to get ready just in case any of you needed first aid or something. I can't imagine anyone getting killed here and needing an autopsy – or a forensic scientist for that matter, but I go where I think I'm needed, and I think I'm needed here so here I am. Hi, Snippy. Do you need any help, Ziva?" Abby seemed to finally wind down when Ziva shook her head no.

McGee and DiNozzo were looking through the placards they had collected from the women exiting the house. Most were pretty stock stuff such as "WE WANT TIVA" or GIVE US BRENNAN" but there was one that caught McGee's attention. "Hey, look at this, Tony."

The sign was quite elaborate with ornamental scrollwork around the edges and said, "If you don't give us TIVA, I shall send wild, angry weasels to run amok in Brennan's garden. If that doesn't work, I shall attend personally with fiery torches and pitchforks."

"Wow…wild, angry weasels…not something I would look forward to. Whoever this Brennan guy is, he'd better watch out. This woman is creative – and mean." Tony continued, "I'm really glad this one's not after me. I do not need that kind of attention. Oh, wait! That one over there is the leader and she's been after me for months."

Ducky came walking into the room and when he spied ME, he walked directly to her saying, "Dear lady, I'm so glad you've come back to see us. I'm sorry I missed your last visit. What can I do to make you more comfortable?"

"Help me off with my pants."

"I beg your pardon?" Ducky was almost shocked into silence.

"I think better with no pants on, and I need to do some serious thinking to get out of this. Give a girl a break and help me off with my pants."

"Just never you mind, my dear. I'll have a talk with Jethro and get this sorted out to your satisfaction. Then you can come spend some time at my home and we'll get to know one other better." He turned away to spy Jethro headed toward the kitchen, presumably to make coffee. "Oh, Jethro, what are you plans for our mystery lady?"

"She's crazy, Duck. I was hoping you could get her committed for a few days observation."

"No need. I'll take her home with me and observe her myself. She can help me polish my observational skills."

"Her asking you to help her remove her pants have anything to do with that decision, Duck?"

"Oh, goodness me, no, Jethro. This will be strictly scientific." Ducky tried to conceal a slight smile.

The two men heard a commotion from the other room, then DiNozzo yelled, "Come back here, you crazy woman. Palmer, look what you've done now! What in hell were you thinking?"

Gibbs and Ducky rushed into the room to see Palmer standing facing Tony, McGee, Abby, and Ziva. He held a pair of handcuffs in one hand and a key in the other.

"She said she needed to go to the bathroom and she needed her hands free to do that. I thought Ziva was watching her. I didn't mean to turn her loose."

"You're lying, Autopsy Gremlin. You're on her side. You're conspiring with her. I'll bet she's even staying at your apartment, isn't she?"

"No. Last I knew she was at Ziva's. I haven't seen her since then."

Gibbs said, "At Ziva's? When? What's going on?"

Ziva stepped forward and said, "She was at my apartment to help me and Abby and Jimmy play a little joke on Tony. It was harmless, Gibbs."

"It was not harmless! Palmer shaved my chest! I lost my chest hair virginity! It was traumatic and I'm not over it yet."

"Oh, quit whining, Tony. It didn't hurt you and you could have had some fun if you'd just relaxed," Abby said with a big grin, remembering how she finished that night.

With blazing eyes, Tony turned on Palmer again, "You stay away from the damned handcuffs, Jimmy. Oh…I forgot…it was you that released me. Thanks, I guess.

Gibbs cell phone rang. "Yeah, Gibbs."

A very familiar voice said, "This is not over, Gibbs. Tell all the powers that be that I will never give up on TIVA. Either get them in bed and loving one another or break them apart completely, but give us fans some relief. We need … watch that cop car, Bama."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To those FFN writers/reviewers whose pseudonyms I used in this piece, thank you again for your reviews and if I offended you in any way, I apologize. If anyone was not mentioned who wants to be in the future, all you have to do is let me know in a review. *nods*


	5. Tony Brings Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several months ago MEWofford published _Fear the Fan_ , a crack!fic I loved which opened my mind to almost limitless possibilities to poke fun at some of the NCIS characters as well as some FFN writers and readers. She has graciously allowed me to use her mary sue FAN to populate my own AU NCIS world. Some of the dialogue in this little piece will be hard to understand if you have not read MEWofford's original story and those of mine that precede this one. 
> 
> I wrote this one as a surprise gift to my beta and my friend who keeps the pressure on when I need it.

"Hey, Probie, I'm going to a civil war reenactment down in West Virginia tomorrow. Wanna tag along?"

"Tony, you hate civil war reenactments. They call you 'little poo boy,' remember? What are you really doing?"

"I'm trying to come to grips with my history, McTrebec, so I'm going to go do something my dad and I did together. Come with me. It'll be fun."

"Sorry, Tony, I've already made plans. I'll be busy all day Saturday and Sunday – probably until late into the night."

Tony began to pout, but realized he might snag another co-worker. "Ziva, want to learn a little American history firsthand? You'll see actual American Civil War battles unfold before your eyes."

"No, thank you, Tony. I also have already made plans for the weekend. I am taking a citizenship qualification pre-exam with my study group. The results will tell me where I need to concentrate my studies."

"Boss…"

"Don't even think about it, DiNozzo."

"Man. All I want is to spend some time with my co-workers and all I get is excuses," Tony mumbled to himself.

"What's that, Tony?" asked Abby as she walked into the bullpen. "You want to do something with co-workers? You can come with me to the Renaissance Faire. There will be jousting and fair maidens to bring you mulled wine when you get thirsty. What do you say?"

"No, thanks, I'm going to West Virginia to watch a Civil War reenactment."

"What? Did they run out of poo boys and send for you? What's up with that?"

"No, Abby. I told McGee, I'm trying to connect with my past, so this is a first step."

"Oh, man, that's really cool, Tony. I'd even come with you, but I've already got my costume and a couple of cute girls are going with me and I thought you might like to go along. How about you, McGee?"

"No, thanks, Abby. I'm moving this weekend, remember?"

Tony, Ziva and Gibbs all looked at McGee in surprise. Tony was the first to speak.

"Why are we just now hearing about this, McSecretive? Where are you moving to? Why are you moving – you're right across from the dog park, and you love your apartment. What's up?"

"It's just time to move to a little larger place, Tony. It's no big deal."

Gibbs smirked. Ziva sat back in her chair and smiled widely. Abby bounced in excitement.

"What does everyone know that I don't?" asked Tony. "Something is going on. Spill the beans, McGee."

McGee looked at him soberly and finally spoke. "Janice asked me to move in with her."

"Janice? Dr. Man Hands? You're moving in with Dr. Man Hands? Way to go, Probie!"

"Tell him the rest, McGee," said Abby.

McGee frowned at Abby and shook his head. Tony saw the movement and could not contain himself.

"What's the rest, McGee? What's going on? Is there something bad about the move? You can tell me. C'mon McGee. Don't keep us all in suspense."

"Weelll…Susan is moving to Janice's place, too."

"The catfight girls!? You're moving in with both catfight girls? How did this happen? When did this happen? What's going on with our McProbie?"

"Tony, I'm telling you, it's no big deal. Janice inherited a large brownstone in Georgetown from her parents. It has much more room that she can use by herself so she decided she wanted to share it with some friends."

Gibbs' smile was now as large as Ziva's and they both sat back in their chairs, relaxed, while Abby continued to bounce excitedly and Tony grilled McGee.

"Well, if it's no big deal, McGee, why didn't you tell us? And how did you get those two women to make up so quickly. They were screaming and fighting up in Vance's office just a couple of weeks ago, and now the three of you are moving in together? What have you been up to, Probilicious?"

"Nothing. Ziva did it all. She's a very persuasive woman."

"Thank you, McGee. However, I believe your charm and gentle manner had a great deal to do with how this has turned out."

"Everybody back to work! Break time is over." Gibbs was still smiling as he turned to his keyboard and monitor.

Tim, Susan, and Janice were tired to the bone. They had been moving furniture and boxes all day long and now they were slouched on the large couch in the living room waiting for delivery of the Chinese food Janice had ordered. When the doorbell rang, Tim got to his feet saying, "I'll get it," reaching for his wallet and walking toward the front door.

"Abby. Ziva. What are you doing here? Come on in. We're just taking a quick break."

Ziva held a bouquet of flowers toward McGee. "A little moving present from the both of us, McGee."

"Thank you very much, Ziva, and you, too, Abby."

He escorted the two women into the living room. "I think we know one another, don't we? Susan, you've met Abby, haven't you?"

"Yes, Tim, I met Abby when I first went to work at NCIS."

Both Janice and Susan had gotten to their feet. Janice said, "Let me put those flowers into a vase, Tim. Thank you very much, ladies, they are lovely and a thoughtful gift. Please have a seat anywhere. We're just waiting for dinner to be delivered. I think there will be plenty for all of us – Chinese."

As she turned to walk away the doorbell rang again. Janice turned toward the door, but Tim was already on his way, wallet in hand. When he opened the door he just stood there without saying anything. From outside a female voice said, "Hi, Tim. We followed Ziva and Abby. Can we talk to them for a minute?"

"Um…er…ah, of course, come on in. I'll get them."

Two women walked into the foyer. The taller woman was almost six feet tall with a cap of snow white hair and Tim recognized her as the mystery woman Abby and Ziva called Snippy. The other woman was shorter and had long dark hair – darker than Ziva's. She was dressed in skin tight black leather, and she had an enigmatic smile on her face. She only nodded at McGee as she entered.

"Ziva, Abby, your friend Snippy is here with a friend and would like to talk to you." Then addressing himself to the ladies in the doorway, he said, "Come in, please. You can talk to them in here."

Janice stood staring at the two women. Susan appeared in the hallway with Abby and Ziva. There was quite a crowd in the entranceway when ME said, "Hi, for those of you who don't already recognize me, I'm ME and this is Elflordsmistress."

Janice and Susan obviously knew Tim was sometimes called the Elf Lord, because they both turned to him immediately with questions in their eyes. He was blushing to the roots of his hair.

Susan said, "Tim…"

She was interrupted quickly by Abby who quickly said, "Don't worry, Janice, Susan, it's just the name she uses when she writes fanfiction. She's not really Tim's mistress."

Tim, Susan, and Janice all allowed themselves to breathe again. Janice even smiled when she said, "Welcome to our home. Please come in. You can sit while you talk to your friends."

As they moved back into the living room, an excited Abby said to Ziva in a lower than usual voice, "Can you believe it, Ziva? Elflordsmistress is here…in the same room with us. She's the one who writes the JIBBS stories I showed you, remember? Oh, God, what do I say to her? I'm so excited, I might pee my pants. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. Timmy, where is the closest bathroom?"

Tim pointed and Abby hurried off, not wanting to miss any of the conversation about to take place. Over her shoulder she called to Ziva, "Talk to them, Ziva, but not too much. I want to hear everything…I'll hurry. Oh, god…Elflordsmistress! I can't believe it."

Susan asked, "Can I get you anything to drink, ladies? Soft drink? A glass of wine. Anything?"

ME replied, "A glass of water would be very nice, thank you."

"Do you happen to have Kinnie? No, I didn't think so. Water will be fine." Elflordsmistress' voice was low pitched and sultry with an accent none of them could place, and she had a very pleasant smile on her lips all the time.

Ziva noticed the smile did not quite reach Elflordsmistress' eyes as she addressed her, "I have read some of your JIBBS stories. I am quite impressed. Are you here to help Snippy, er…ME in her quest to achieve TIVA?"

ME answered for her, "She is a great friend and a formidable enemy. I'm very glad she's on my side of the fight for the fulfillment of love at NCIS. And you know what love I'm talking about."

"I can speak for myself, ME. I have come to protest the manner in which NCIS plots are left to wither and die with no resolution. There are too many things Shane Brennan leaves to the imagination, the TIVA story being one of them. I intend to assure he understands our point of view. If he refuses, I shall flay him unmercifully." Her voice was soft, but no one misunderstood her tone. She was as serious as Ziva handling a weapon.

Abby came bouncing back into the room. She mistook the quiet and immediately said, "Did someone insult someone? This place is too quiet. We need music. We need talk. So were you all talking about me and now you feel like you have to quit just 'cause I'm here?"

Ziva said, "We were just waiting for your return Abby, as you asked us to do."

"Oh. Okay. Let's get on with it then. What's up, Snippy?"

The doorbell rang again. "Man, I hope that's the food. I'm getting hungry," said Tim as he walked to the door for third time.

It was the Chinese delivery man with three large bags of food. Tim paid him and gave him a very generous tip and thanked him with a smile. The man smiled back, bowed his head slightly and walked away.

While Tim was out of the room, Abby looked at Elflordsmistress and said, "I am a big, big fan of yours. I have read everything you've ever written and I just love the way you make things come to life in your stories. I wish you'd write TIVA sometime. I know it would just be wonderful with Tony and Ziva making mad passionate love and …"

"I have written a TIVA story, Abby. So evidently you missed at least one." Elflordsmistress said with a happy smile.

"Oh, no! Now I have to go back through all your stories to look for it, and you have written like a thousand stories and they're all so good I know I'll get stuck just reading and reading I might never find it. What's the name?"

"Now, that would ruin the fun, wouldn't it?"

ME interrupted, "Ziva, we're going to be here until we find Shane Brennan and give him a piece of our minds, but we need a place to stay, can you help us?"

Janice had just walked into the room to invite everyone to eat and heard the question. "We have plenty of space here. There's a spare bedroom if you don't mind sharing." Then she smiled almost shyly and said, "Or there may be a couple of spare bedrooms if things work out the way Susan and I planned."

Before anyone could say anything further, Ziva broke in. "Snippy – ME, I must tell you again, we do not know anyone named Shane Brennan. He is not a suspect. He is not in NCIS. I have checked all our records and I cannot find a mention of him anywhere. I am afraid you are barking at the wrong bush."

"Barking up the wrong tree," said ME, Abby, and Elflordmistress simultaneously.

"She's right. Since you were here with your legion of Amazons, I have been checking too, and I can't find anything related to Shane Brennan," said Abby. "I wish we could help you, but I'm at my wits end to find anything."

"Well, that's it then. We'll just head on back home. Let's go." As ME said the last words she looked at Elflordsmistress and turned as if to go to the door. Elflordsmistress stood, still watching her friend as if she knew what was coming next.

ME whirled back around, fire in her eyes and said, "Do you really think I'm going to buy that load of crap and give up? Do you think I'm going to give up the dreams of hundreds of fans around the world who are depending on me to make TIVA a reality? No way, damn it!"

There was a loud clap of thunder. The house lights flickered. The doorbell rang. A cell phone rang. The phone rang again as Elflordsmistress dug in her black leather purse, which could have doubled as a personal carry-on at any airline. She finally found it as it rang a third time. She turned away from the group as she answered.

Susan hurried past the group to answer the door. She opened it to reveal a drenched Tony Diozzo carrying three large pizza boxes. "Hi, Susan, I come bearing Italian food straight from the best pizzeria in D.C. Thought the weary workers might be a little hungry. You help McGee move today, Susan?"

"Come in – get out of that downpour. No, actually he was helping me move today."

Tony was still shocked by the fact that McGee had two girlfriends. Gibbs was going to kill him for breaking rule twelve twice – or maybe they didn't count since they weren't field agents. How did this happen without him knowing about it? "Have I completely lost my snooping abilities?" he asked himself aloud.

"You seem to have lost everything else, DiNozzo, so why not that too?"

Oh, god, that voice…what was SHE doing here? He was afraid to look, but knew he had to confirm his suspicions. He looked up and there she was…his nemesis…The Fan, and it looked like she had help with her. He took a double take…the woman in black leather was staring back at him as if he had two heads!

"Don't talk to me! I'm here to see my friend McGee and bring him food. I do not need you making my life miserable. Who's your friend?"

The friend in question provided her own response, "Pfffttt."

Abby grabbed his arm and whispered to him, "Tony, you smell like horse manure. Maybe you should take off your boots? I'll tell you about the other lady in a minute. Give me the pizzas. You take care of those nasty boots, okay?"

Elflordsmistress took advantage of the opening and said softly, "ME, I'm very sorry, but I have pressing business that I must take care of at home. I must leave you here. I wouldn't do it for anything in the world, usually, but for this, I must. You understand, don't you?"

"Certainly, you do what you have to do. I can take care of these kids. I'll get what we need and you come on back when you can."

Elflordsmistress spoke to the group saying, "Can someone please give me the number of a taxi company. I have to go to the airport."

Abby was just reentering the room and heard the request. "There's no need for that. I have my hot rod out on the street. I'll take you. It'll be lots faster and you won't have to wait for a taxi. Ziva, you want to go with us?"

"No, I think I will stay here with Sni, um, ME and try to keep her out of trouble. You can come back to get me, yes?"

"Sure. I'll be back in a couple of hours if traffic isn't too terrible. Which airport? Dulles or National?" This was addressed to Elflordsmistress.

"Either is fine. Both have continuous flights to where I need to go."

"Okay, we'll go to National. It's lots closer."

The two women walked toward the door and just before they left, Abby turned to Tony and whispered, "She's the Elflordsmistress." Then she shut the door behind her.

Tony's mouth dropped open. Ziva had heard the whisper and she laughed out loud at Tony's reaction. Susan covered her mouth as she tried to contain her own laugh. ME stared at Tony with an evil grin on her face.

"Okay, I gotta get this straight. McGee is moving into a house that the rest of us combined could afford – with two hot women who had a catfight over him, and he had his mistress here at the same time when he is just moving in? Did I leave anything out?"

Tim and Janice appeared in the doorway. "Hey, folks," said Tim, "we've got food getting cold out here. Come on to the dining room and let's eat and talk in there. Thanks for the pizza, Tony. We've got Chinese, also. Two of your favorites." He put his arms around both Janice and Susan and walked out with one on each side, their arms around his waist. Ziva and ME followed them.

Tony was completely bewildered. He sank to the floor in total disarray, his head spinning with what he had just heard and seen. Here he was in the worst sexual dry spell of his entire life…with no chest hair…and the only flirtation he'd had in a year had been the HR lady, and, dear god, that was unthinkable. The crazy TIVA lady was probably here to tie him to another bed and do who knows what to his body. And McGee, his probie, had two live-in roommates and a mistress. He raised his face to the ceiling and yelled, "I wanna go back to Ohio State where I understand what's going on!"


End file.
